I am probably too forgiving of everyone and everything. Somehow tho, most would assume I am this get-you-together, never-back-down kind of woman. I have many theories as to why that assumption might be. But, that’s another post. This post is about realizing I’m worthy of the grace I give.
One of the hardest spaces I’ve ever had to show myself grace is motherhood. Through motherhood, I’ve downright dogged myself. I have hated my appearance. I’ve had negative thoughts about my parenting. I’ve criticized every little thing I’ve done since my son was born. I’ve struggled to try to see myself as a good mother.
It wasn’t until recently that I found myself questioning what made others in my life so worthy of grace and not myself. Why could I forgive those who had hurt me or used me and not forgive myself? How could I look at an overweight woman with NO judgment, yet judge myself? How could I afford the world chance after chance, but spiral after every little thing I did?
The easy answer is post-partum depression. Though that plays a part, the deeper answer is a poor assessment of my true value. Some of these insecurities and lack of love come from others I’ve come across. I’ve been told what I don’t need to do and what I need to do. I’ve been told I should have lost the weight by now. I’ve even been asked why I’m trying to do “it all” when I have a son. (Yes. These are actual occurrences.) These negative opinions and conversations ring in my ear like the high-pitched tone after an explosion. The background noise in that explosion that is real and that is being yelled to me by those who love me most are the faint, muffled sounds happening around the scene that can’t be made clear because of that tone.
Here is what I’ve learned. I’ve learned over time as my ears adjust to the boom of negativity and recognize the unstable and insecure places in which the explosion detonates, that I’m not the explosion, I’m simply near where it’s happening.
Negative people and dark situations can easily make you feel like your life is constantly being blown up. You’re not. We’re not. We are simply in the area of it and feeling the effects. Don’t let other people’s negativity, unrealistic opinion, and skewed perspective discourage you. We deserve the grace we so often allow everyone else in life.
So, what do we do now? We start right now, at this moment showing ourselves grace. Not just any grace. We deserve the purest, most divine grace that doesn’t care how we look, how much money we have, what our children do, or what we have achieved or not. We deserve that grace that is sufficient.
The grace I give… I give to myself.